Navigating Mother's Day as an Estranged or Strained Adult Child

It doesn’t make you a bad person, or a crappy child that this holiday is a challenging one for you!

I don’t care what anybody says, or how anybody tries to make you feel either. 

Nobody just wakes up one day without valid reason, and just decides to have a strained relationship with a parent.

It’s literally in our fundamental make up for survival, to try and keep this connection in tact, no matter what. 

It’s why even when we decide to go low or no contact, there’s still this internal longing for them to finally come around, 

a longing that never really goes away.

Your strained relationship is not on you. It’s not.

And you don’t need to make amends just to keep the peace either. 

In doing that, you might be keeping the peace on the outside for others, but also creating so much chaos, conflict, 

and dissonance inside of yourself too, which affects almost every part of your life and mental space.

There aren’t a lot of people who are going to understand where you're coming from, or what you're going through,

and though there might be people who try to change your mind with the way you choose to navigate this holiday…

stay true to you.

Here are some guidelines for navigating Mother’s Day, regardless of where you’re at right now with contact-levels:

IN CONTACT:

• Head to the self-care section and pull some ideas from that and DO THEM before connecting, and when you are back in your own space afterwards

• Download the “You Got This” Handbook from the Services page (no email needed, it’s an instant download pdf.  with
  guidance on what to do before, during, and after spending time with (or connecting with) a challenging person/in a situation
  where you are going to be at an event or around people who may dysregulate you)

• Remember that you are not obligated to do a grand gesture, spend a ton of money, or make a gushy social media post about them,
  or anything of the sort

• You don’t owe them a massive gesture, you don’t owe them anything, and if you choose NOT to shower them in gestures and gifts,
  that does not mean you’re ungrateful so if they attempt to make you feel this way just let it go in one ear and out the other

• If you do want to get flowers of some kind, it might feel nice to get them a plant that’s really hard to take care of instead (lol)

• Remember that you are always allowed to leave a situation and/or take space to reset if you need to
• Have an exit strategy in place for yourself in case, this includes getting off the phone too if the convo goes south

LOW CONTACT:

• Send a card if you’d like (a generic one, it doesn’t need to be gushy)

• Send a message (rather than make a call to them), examples:

• Hope today brings joy for you! 

• Have a happy mother’s day

• Thinking of you today, hope it’s a great one

• Sending well wishes your way today

• Send a voice note (rather than make a call to them so you steer clear of b.s. convos)

• You don’t need to do a grand gesture, or feel bad for choosing not to either

• If you do want to get flowers of some kind, it might feel nice to get them a plant that’s really hard to take care of instead (lol)

• Take a look at the points from the "In Contact" and "No Contact" sections also, because there are tips in both that will help you

• Head to the self-care section, pull some ideas from there, and actually DO them for yourself

NO CONTACT:

• Remember that they might try to reach out to you around, or on, the holiday in one way or another (this can be through email,
  phone, another person, a random post on their own social media that pertains to you or the holiday itself garnering sympathy)

• You might be asked by flying monkeys or those close to your no-contact parent why you are not contacting them

• You may hear smear campaigns through the grapevine about your lack of contacting

• ALL of those things are bids for getting you to fold and break no-contact. Don’t engage.

• There will be people who do not understand your choice 

• Celebrate yourself through the week and on the day, for how far you have come, for parenting yourself (and starting to reparent
  yourself through your healing process), and for choosing what’s best for you even though it’s also a hard choice to make

• Take space from being online, don’t check their pages, and if seeing others with their own mothers during this time is hurtful,
  then listen to that and maybe steer clear of places that mothers and their children may be

• You can also take this time to celebrate another mother you know, a grandmother, a friend’s mother, yourself for being your own parent, yourself if you ARE a parent, etc.

• Allow space for emotions that may come up. It’s okay to feel so many variations of emotions around this time.
  Don’t push them down or away, allow yourself to feel them and process them, and then do some self-care afterwards to give back to you!

SELF-CARE:

• Regardless of the amount of contact you have, take time for self-care. Firstly because you deserve that for yourself,
  and also because it is so necessary to be able to keep your mental health and your nervous system the most regulated it can be.

• This can look different for everybody, your self-care doesn’t need to look like anybody else’s

• Do this before the holiday, during, AND the day(s) after as well 

• Some ideas for what this might look like is: 

• Listening to music that fuels you and makes you feel good inside

• Skincare 

• Brushing your teeth slowly

• Tidying up your cozy spaces

• Taking time to watch things that bring you calm or coziness

• Set up candles and soft blankets

• Coloring

• Writing

• A self-love bath or a shower

• Naps

• Ordering food in for yourself

• Cooking a nice dinner for yourself

• Do something you love to celebrate yourself

• Working on a project of yours
  
  Remember to be so so kind and gentle to yourself around this time too, use compassionate self-talk,
  and maybe even put little post-it notes around with loving messages to yourself and your inner little!!
  
  You got this. 
  
  As always, I'm thinking of you!
  Talk soon,
  - Ash