When Your Narcissistic Parent is Also an Alcoholic

to your upbringing and also to the journey of healing when your parent (or both of them) are alcoholics at one point,

or throughout your whole childhood.

You end up being a caretaker, an emotional punching bag, enduring one person by day and another by night, and ultimately...

being so lonely.

It's weird because it becomes your normal, so even though it feels like something is off and you wish things were different,

you also don't really register that it's not normal because it's what *you've* always known.

So in addition to dealing with all the fun things that come with having narcissistic, abusive, and emotionally immature parents,

you end up ALSO dealing with the fun things that come with their alcoholism (which usually amplifies the abuse and manipulation).

The dangerous part about this too, is that it becomes way easier for them to blame the alcohol on 

a) their behaviour 

&

b) not remembering what happened, and being able to just deny things altogether.

Leading to even deeper gaslighting, internal fear, shame, blame-shifting, and brain-fog... 

just to have to experience everything all over again the next day.

It becomes normal to smell alcohol in the house and on their breath,

to have the garage, shed, or living-room become their favourite drink-spot,

to have random people in and out of the house,

to hear the clanging of bottles and crinkling of cans,

and to not be able to talk about any of it.

I still get uncomfortable seeing the red of a Budweiser label, and cringe at Crown Royal.

All through my life, from very young, partying and alcohol was all around me. 

& for a lot of people who experience this, mixed in with neglect and abuse, this can lead to a road of reaching for it too.

And if that's what you did for a period of time, or are still working through your relationship with alcohol or drugs, 

or with numbing because shit just feels too hard right now otherwise...

Please try not to shame yourself for that. And no, it does not make you just like them either.

You are not intentionally abusing, neglecting, and manipulating the very people you brought into this world or those you care about.

If you're numbing, or have chosen to numb in this way, it's because you've been on the receiving end of all that.

And it's okay. Give yourself grace, and give yourself compassion for choosing to still be here.

Sometimes numbing for a while is what helps you choose to stay until you're in a place where you feel comfortable feeling again.

When your narcissistic parent (or parents) is also an alcoholic, you end up enduring so many facets of abuse and the piece about

not being able to TALK about it creates such an internal feeling of shame, confusion, and isolation.

It's confusing because all you really want the whole time from a parent in general, is for them to truly love and care about you

and not make your existence feel like a burden in their life, and to celebrate you for who you are authentically (not for who THEY 

want you to be). 

It's extra confusing because all you really want from an alcoholic parent is for them to just... choose you for once.

To stop drinking. 

To finally realize that you are more important than a drink.

To just give a shit. 

And that feeling of not being worth giving a shit about, is a feeling that sticks with us for a long time well into adulthood.

It's like a next level feeling of not feeling good enough.

And when you finally become aware of just how not okay things were growing up, 

with or without the alcoholism being a factor...

you're faced with a long list of decisions as the healing journey commences.

Do I tell them how much they hurt me?

Am I supposed to feel this angry inside?

Do I stay in contact with them?

Should I create distance with them as I navigate healing?

Should I forgive them?

Where do I go from here...?

And the answer is that you don't need to know the answer to any of your questions right away.

Your journey and the way you navigate it, is yours.

The main things I would suggest are to be gentle with yourself while you are navigating all of this, 

rest as much as you can (without shaming yourself for it) because your brain absolutely needs time to leave its brain-fog state, 

be compassionate & curious with your nervous system and triggers, 

and start learning and educating yourself on narcissistic parents and the effects of growing up in the household you did.

If you're in a place in your journey right now where you're wanting to learn a bit about how growing up in a narcissistic household 

has effected you, and work towards learning how to start navigating all of this and making your way towards your authentic self, 

I'm currently sharing a completely accessible full 4-week program called "reclaiME" in my feed over on my Instagram. 

We're entering into week three right now.

The first two weeks are all posted in a highlight on my page so that you can access everything all in one place, 

and I'll be adding the rest of the program into there as it's shared. 

I'll leave the link to the highlight for reclaiME below for you to check out if you're curious. 

Wherever you're at in your life, know that growing up with narcissistic, abusive, and/or neglectful parent(s) is so incredibly hard and that 

you are NOT alone in that. It just feels that way a lot of the time because a lot of us who grew up that way don't really talk or share about

it much with others. 

Be kind to yourself, and hug that inner little inside. Let them (and your current self) know that you'll be okay, and that there is another side 

to everything you've been through or are going through right now. 

You got this, and remember: you ARE worth giving a shit about. 

As always, I'm thinking of you.

Talk soon, 

- Ash

Access "reclaiME" highlight here ↓