Choose your environment of humans wisely
because it can become so easy for us to infuse pieces of the way we were used to being treated from our upbringing, into the relationships and experiences we choose to have in our lives beyond the abuse, or the ones we may be initially drawn to.
When you are used to people pleasing, being cautious of the energies and preferences of others around you, not feeling safe to
open up emotionally, always being made to feel like you're not good enough no matter how much you do or don't do, and like
walking on eggshells and speaking as little as possible...
even though we WANT safety, understanding, and kindness from others in our life,
it can be "easier" for our brains and bodies to end up connecting with those who STILL treat us like this after we've moved on from our narcissistic upbringing.
In addition to just naturally attracting people like this into our orbit because our loving, empathetic, people pleasing ways are
beneficial to them, we have been conditioned to understand being mistreated as "normal."
That's why when you try to initiate boundaries in your life, you feel like crawling under a rock and like everybody is going to hate you for it,
it's why you might feel nervous speaking your mind and sharing your opinions all the time when you're in a group of people,
and why you stayed with that person a little longer than you should have because "at least they don't yell at me."
There's always this benefit-of-the-doubt we give to people.
But it's a benefit that just keeps on giving.
And when we continue to give that over and over and over again to those around us,
or to a specific person,
we are effectively keeping ourselves in the loop of what our bodies have always known as familiar.
And with all of those benefit of the doubts, and "understanding where they might be coming from"s occurring like a revolving door,
that also means that more time is passing being in connection to that person or these people, right?
And when there is a longer time investment with people, we tend to want to continue to stay in connection with them even longer
regardless of whether things change or not because now you care about them even deeper because you've "known them for so long!"
Try and remind yourself that this also means:
"I've been trying to make them see why they're hurting me, for so long."
"They have been taking advantage of me, for so long."
"There have been so many times I've needed to forgive them for hurting me, for so long."
"I have wanted things to change, and have been expressing that, for so long."
Flipping the way we look at those around us, and those who we have had in our orbit, or choose to keep in our orbit is so so important
as we heal and honestly will continue to be important for the rest of our lives.
Do you want to be 80 and look back at your whole life, thinking, "wow, I haven't been able to just be me or to truly enjoy my life... ever."
Probably not, and the cool thing is, is that you're not 80. So tackling this now, and making some hard shifts NOW is doable, and necessary.
Instead of thinking to yourself, "I wonder if I'm doing enough, I wonder if this person likes being around me, I wonder if my boundary is
too hard for them to work with and they'll leave, I wonder (insert long list of worries here),"
Flip that, and try thinking to yourself instead, "Are they making me feel safe to be around them, do I like being around this person, if
they leave because they find it hard to respect the boundaries that make me feel safe then do I even want them in my orbit anyway."
Your life is not to be lived pleasing everybody around you,
or to do things that you really don't want to do or feel uncomfortable doing just because the people around you right now do,
or want to do, those things.
Your life is to be lived with your best interests at the heart of it.
And when you grow up with the people who were supposed to love you the most, and care for you, and truly be there for you genuinely,
being the people who have not actually had your best interests at heart, knowing how to do for yourself and knowing how to receive
that from others in adulthood can be hard as fuck. But just because it's hard at first, doesn't mean it's not worth doing.
YOU are so worth doing the hard thing of taking a look at yourself and the people you have had in your orbit in the past, and currently,
and the people you have been in relationships with in the past too... and reflect and think about whether or not you want those
connections to continue or if you need to seriously do an overhaul.
And NO that does not mean you're a mean person, it does not mean that you're on your high horse, and it does not mean that
you think you are better than anybody either.
It simply means that you have re-evaluated your life, and you're choosing to give a shit about yourself and make shifts accordingly.
Sometimes this means that you completely restart and you end up with 1 person you talk to all the time, sometimes this looks like
the only people you can connect with right now are people you talk to online who are also on their healing journey and understand your situation too,
sometimes this means spending some time solo and being alone for a while (which yes, sucks at first but it honestly turns into such a comforting and beautiful time in our healing journey because over time you learn how cool it is to hangout with YOU as you),
and although this sounds like it might sound scary to do,
isn't living a life that is never truly YOURS even scarier?
I certainly think so.
My orbit of the people I talk to is super small, and I am so grateful for that.
It has taken a serious overhaul in the last 5 years, and holy moly if I look back at the last 10 years things have shifted drastically in that department too.
It really does matter who we spend our time with, because it is training our nervous system, brain, and soul, to recognize what we
value as our worth and what we are willing to accept as "love" in our life from others, and it will act accordingly towards the way
it loves us too.
There's also a saying that goes something like, you are a mashup of the 5 people you spend your time around the most
(or spend your time talking to or intaking the most), and it is SO true honestly.
So choose wisely, please. For the sake of every version of you that deserved to feel understood,
of every version of you that deserved to feel seen, heard, and actually loved.
And for the current and future versions of you who deserve to know that being understood, seen, heard, and actually loved does exist.
So, go be you. Go do the hard thing so that being you and receiving kindness and love ends up being your default.
You're so so cool, and there is SO MUCH awesome shit that exists beyond survival mode.
I'm so excited for you to meet all of what is waiting for you on the other side of deciding to do things for YOUR best interest!!
Talk soon,
- Ash